Hello. My name is
Shazia Mirza
, but we usually get mistaken for people. I found myself walking across the street yesterday when a guy came up to me and stated, “i really like your work, Benazir.”

I am no-good at bringing in myself personally – I always go really over the top and say by far the most improper things like, “Hi, I am Shazia, Really don’t smoke cigarettes, you shouldn’t drink and I also’ve had gotten chlamydia.” I quickly’ll try to finest exactly what the other individual says. They might state, “I’ve had gotten a new car” and I also’ll say, “Oh, which is great. I have merely purchased a helicopter.” Its often truth, often half-truth, however, if We state it with a salt-of-the-earth Brummie feature and a mile-wide grin, it frequently operates.

As a comedian I have asked to execute in some unusual circumstances. This week I became welcomed to an inner-city thorough to execute due to their RE convention. Let me state it actually was the first occasion I’d already been mistaken for
Mom Teresa
, but I’d be neglecting that period I dropped asleep in a spa and came out even more wrinkled than Bruce Forsyth’s elbow.

As a stand-up comedian, I’ve was required to follow numerous performers during my time, including performers, magicians and a stripper on a horse. But I’ve never really had to follow along with a nun. Sister Agnes entered before me personally wearing a brown practice and Birkenstocks. I never trust people who put on sandals with every little thing. All I could do was take a seat on along side it and question just what the woman underwear ended up being like. We kept thinking, “I gamble its perverted lace from Agent Provocateur. She appears the sort: all beige and demure on the exterior, Jordan internally.” She talked exactly how she became a nun, next there was a Q&A session in which college students questioned concerns like, “do you get pissed?” and, “Exactly how much gender could you have?”

They wanted us to “inspire” these schoolkids somehow. After my couple of laughs pertaining to anal sex and shoplifting from Primark, I am not sure exactly how motivational I found myself. But sometimes it’s inspiring sufficient in order to end up being a brown lady claiming “anal” in public areas.

The Q&A by these teenagers ended up being quite difficult personally. They asked myself, “precisely what do you believe of Gordon Brown?”; “could be the present economic climate a breeding soil for racial discontent?”; “Has Madonna had a facelift?” Really, that finally concern was personal – the students women of the next day were as well enthusiastic about pushing political dilemmas getting mired in celeb tittle-tattle. I realized I’d have to conserve for the next time my personal anecdote about Lily Savage, Ulrika Jonsson and a Travelodge minibar.

Somebody asked, “what exactly do you believe of burka? Would it be also restrictive?” We responded, “All my cousins in France wear the burka, in fact it is great, simply because they all make use of the exact same shuttle move.”

I found myself carrying out in Paris recently, however, as Monsieur Sarkozy is alleviated to understand, perhaps not in a burka. Someone proposed I go to the tourist appeal of Père Lachaise where the popular are hidden. I got nothing you’ve seen prior been to a cemetery, because my personal mum always told me the wicked spirits would follow me personally house and lay on my personal face. The graves of lifeless men and women frequently reflect their own everyday lives – I went along to Jim Morrison’s, that was surrounded by metal obstacles, and people had thrown cigarettes (brand new and used, appropriate and “herbal”) on his gravestone. The guy died of a narcotics overdose. I’m certain he’s got enough. I then went over to Oscar Wilde’s grave. There seemed to be a stone statue of a naked angel, but some one had snapped off their penis. Homophobia – whenever is it gonna end with this bad guy? If there is something even worse than being spoken of, it’s getting your penis snapped off.

On their gravestone some one had graffitied “Sodomy for good” – I’m certain that has beenn’t certainly one of Oscar’s. This made me consider what might be on my personal gravestone. It would probably be quite crude, vaguely funny as well as have a massive postscript by my personal mum, advising the spirits to keep off my face. No enjoyable for me then, not from inside the afterlife.